Wedding Dreams

I’m just going to come out and say it: God teaches me life lessons through wedding dreams. (Yep, I am a total girl.)

Hear me out.  About three and a half years ago, when I was really struggling with anxiety, I had several dreams about weddings. The most memorable one being where I walked down the aisle with my Mom instead of my Dad, no one was paying attention to me, the groom wasn’t there, and I threw up at the altar. (Nightmare. But it was a realization that I felt like I was handling a lot of big things all on my own and nothing was going to turn out the way it was supposed to. See it?)
In the past week, I have had two more dreams related to weddings. 

First let me say this: Dreaming about weddings doesn’t mean the point of the dream is about weddings.  A counselor told me once that the context of a dream might just be something important or intimate for you.  Maybe its so you remember it better, or maybe so it just really relates. I’m not sure. Anyways, the point is – I’m a girl + girls love weddings = wedding dreams.

First dream: I was about to get engaged.  But I knew I was getting engaged.  It was me and him and a huge group of people, and what was about to happen was just common knowledge.  So we were all traveling together to the location where he would propose, and when we got there it was all set up, with candles and lights and it was very romantic.  Everyone sat in their seats – with me and the guy on a stage – and before he popped the question, someone made an announcement: “Ok remember, when you take pictures, turn off the flash or it will ruin the pictures.”  WHAT. 

I woke up right before he actually proposed, and I just felt disappointed.  Not because I didn’t get to experience the proposal, but because the whole scenario was so disappointing.  I thought to myself, “I don’t want to know how its all going to happen!”  Ding Ding – Epiphany!

How many times have I said – or prayed – “I just want to know how _____ is going to turn out! I just want to know how my life will turn out!  I just want to know how I’ll meet him/get that job/etc. etc.!!”

God says – No.  The journey is part of the JOY.  Knowing how it will all happen takes the fun out of all of it. Let My story for you be a surprise!

It reminds me of the great quote from the movie, "Dan in Real Life", where he says, "Plan to be surprised."

Dream number two: It was a close friend of mine’s wedding day (no idea who it was, sorry friends).  All of a sudden, for whatever reason, she decided she didn’t want to get married that day.  But there were guests, and cake, and everything was all lined up!  Well apparently I was already engaged, so logically she asked me, “Do you want to get married today? Take my wedding!”

I for some reason said yes, and quickly started making it my wedding day. The problem was I didn’t know the guests there.  None of my family or friends were there.  I tried to track down my friends to be my bridesmaids, but it wasn’t happening.  It wasn’t the wedding experience I wanted.

Two words came to me after having this dream: Don’t Rush.

Things will happen in their time, and obviously it will be better that way.  (For example: Your friends will actually be at your wedding…you won’t have to use rando’s for your bridesmaids.)  And in the greater scheme of life, don’t try to rush God’s plan.  He makes us wait for a reason.  He has us in a particular season for a specific purpose.  If we just slow down and stop rushing Him, I am sure we will experience His blessings all over our lives. (I’m preaching to myself right now.)

So there you have it: Through wedding dreams, we can learn…

You are not meant to know how the whole story ends, how it all works out.  Let yourself be surprised by God’s plan.

Don’t rush it, His timing is perfect.

Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you (and you don’t get to know them!), declares the LORD.  ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope (and a groom who actually shows up!)’.” (italics mine, obviously.)

Blessings, friends. Practice patience. 

When Friendship Hurts

Friendship has always been at the forefront of my life.  My weekends revolved around where my friends were, my biggest anxiety about college was meeting people, my ‘career’ goal is really just to be in a position where I get to hang out with and know people deeply.  I've basically decided friendship is my vocation.

So what happens when it doesn’t go well?  What happens when you get hurt by a friend?  What happens when someone who has held a very big spot in your heart suddenly causes it to crack a little? (Or a lot?)

I’ve been spending a lot of time experiencing and pondering all of this and I have a few things to admit.  I have phrased them as “When someone hurts me” statements so as to not group you all in with me – but go ahead and personalize it if it resonates with you.  Maybe we can move away from these ugly habits together.

When someone hurts me, I tend to project that hurt onto everyone else. 

I realized that because someone who was close to me proved themselves capable of causing me pain, I all of a sudden believed that everyone in my life was capable of that.  And that they just might do it.  So what is my response?  Put up walls.  Hide away where no one can hurt me. (Yet, as I’m learning, this tends to hurt us more.)

I also think I might have started to project this onto God.  It is the same idea – if someone who loves me is capable of hurting me, God probably is too.  I mean, He allowed it, didn’t He?  How can I trust a God who is capable of hurting me?

When someone hurts me, I suddenly feel guilty.

I admitted this to my roommate and said, “How crazy and ridiculous is that?!”  To which she responded, “At least you realize its ridiculous.”  But who knows how long I have been functioning this way. 
I walk away from a situation where I am the victim, and somehow in my mind convince myself that I am the perpetrator.  Am I the only one being this ridiculous?!  Instead of understanding that I have been hurt and working through it, I find a way to tell myself that I am deserving of or did something to deserve that hurt. Now that my eyes are open to that hideous lie, I have to figure out how to shut that down. (I’ll keep you posted. J)

When someone hurts me, I lose my JOY.  I have been frustrated with myself for a season now because I feel like I’ve lost my JOY.  Sometimes I get out of the practice of looking for it and resting in it, but often it is because my hands are too full with something else for me to hold any JOY.  When we fill our hands with anger and bitterness, we don’t leave any room for contentment and JOY. 

The response to these ugly pits of deceit? 

When someone hurts me, I need to remember Who’s I am and what He did for me.

Jesus will speak over us every day that we are His Beloved; His beautiful child.  Just ask.  He will remind us that He would (did) literally die for us, and would never leave us or cause us pain.  Yes, He allows us to experience pain for our own growth and learning, but He never inflicts it on us maliciously.

I also remind myself of the beautiful friends who have stood by me for a decade, half a decade, or even just a year – but who have all proven themselves loyal and faithful to me time and time again.

When someone hurts me, I cannot let it speak lies about my identity and value. 

It seems like when someone does something hurtful, suddenly I question everything about me.  (Sounds like a crazy girl thing to do, but its true.)  Just because someone caused me pain does not mean I have no worth or purpose.  Just because a friendship is struggling doesn’t mean I misheard God’s calling on my life.  I have to be so confident in who God created me to be that my worth is not defined by how someone treats me but by how He sees me.  Which leads us to…

When someone hurts me, I have to release my bitterness and learn to forgive.  Sometimes I dislike the idea of forgiveness because it looks like excusing what the other person did.  But really it does not justify the hurt, it allows me to let go of it.  If we hold onto hurt, it takes us over and makes us bitter and resentful.  To forgive is as much for our own health as for the other person.  I’m still learning what this looks like, so all I can say for now is that if we really want to experience God’s JOY we have to live with open hands.  We have to release it all into His control and let Him work in our hearts and the hearts of others in order to bring restoration and peace.  I haven’t accomplished this, not even close.  But my search for JOY is more important than my grip on bitterness, so I’m going to try to let go. 

God is always in the business of redemption…In our lives and the lives of others.  He wants us to be a part of it, to experience it.  Because once we learn His love for us - once we experience His redemption in our identity and hearts and souls – maybe the hurt of others won’t sting quite as much.

The Masquerade

I’ve always wanted to attend a masquerade.  It seems fun – getting dressed up, wearing a mask…hiding behind something.  You can be whoever you want to be when you’re behind a mask.

But when we wear masks in life, it’s not a fun event or a healthy game of dress up.  I knew a lot of people growing up that both encouraged and participated in mask wearing.  And I have been bitter and held resentment towards ‘them’ for being fake and lacking authenticity and passive aggressively dealing with issues instead of dealing with them head on.

But recently I have realized that as much as mask-wearing bothers me, I am just as guilty of it as they are.  I may just be so accustomed to my mask that it has taken me this long to realize I was wearing it.

My world is being rocked by a book my sweet Mama gave me called “The Cure.”  The main question the book asks is, “What if God isn’t who you think He is and neither are you?” 

It addresses the way we approach our relationship with God – at some time we approach a fork in the road where we can choose one of two paths; either Pleasing God or Trusting God.  Both sound good – but pleasing God leads to a room of masked people trying to keep themselves together, while trusting God leads to grace, laughter, and worthiness.

I find myself now, almost fully on the path of Pleasing God.  It is well intentioned, but it leads nowhere.  We strive and strive and never get where we want to be, or where God wants us to be, for that matter.  We wear masks because we want it to look like things are okay, that we are managing. 

The thing about masks is this though: “No one told me that when I wear a mask, only my mask receives love.” (The Cure)
I remember the first time a youth leader spoke to me and my friends with no mask on. It blew my mind.  She had just become our small group leader and the first time we met she shared her testimony.  She told us all the good and bad, regrets and mistakes, and how God uses all of that for His glory; and the fact that she could be so honest and so real absolutely shattered any mask she could have been wearing.  I'll never forget it.  By being authentic, she gave us permission to do the same, and that saved me and my friends in so many ways. (Forever thankful for you.)

I want to peel off the mask.  I want to be on the path of Trusting God.  I want to be real and not hidden.  I think this blog may be a step in that direction, and maybe someone will resonate.

I need to stop being angry at others for wearing masks, and even for telling me that I should wear one too. 

I need to start believing that God loves me without my mask – for who I am underneath all the ‘togetherness’. 

He loves my brokenness, my vulnerability, my mess. 

“What if God isn’t who you think He is and neither are you?” 

What masks are you wearing?  Do you believe that God and even other people can and will love you even if they see you without it?

He loves you past your mask; He created you without a mask.  “Once we weary enough of mask-wearing, we can begin discovering the true face of Jesus…Our true faces are beautiful, too.  God made them exactly the way He wanted, and He longs to see His reflection.  The trouble with papier-mâché is it doesn’t reflect.” (The Cure)

I want to soak this in: “SEE what kind of LOVE the Father has given to us, that we should be called CHILDREN OF GOD” (1 John 3:1).  We aren’t meant to attend a lifelong masquerade.  Real love and real life require living mask-less.

We are His, and He is ours.  Lean into that, friends. 

Lynch, J., McNicol, B., & Thrall, B. (2011). The Cure.  San Clemente, CA: CrossSection.

Life's too Fast to Run, My Friend

I always respond, “Tired”.  Every time someone asks me how I am, it is my go-to response.  Either that or, “Good…busy…” 

I’m tired of responding that way (yes, irony.).  I want to say – and actually feel – free, happy, content…

I think a step towards that is changing my posture.  Both literally and figuratively.

I am sick of living with my shoulders by my ears and my hands clenched tight.  Sick of keeping my head down and my eyes on the ground. 

I want to live with my shoulders back, my head thrown back laughing with my eyes open to the world.  I want my hands to be open, palms to the sky, ready to receive. 

So how do we do that?  How do we live with abandon, with freedom to just be?  Even in the craziness and sadness and hard times of life…

We have got to know and be known.  We’ve got to be open and vulnerable and to stop hiding.  Because hiding is exhausting.  That is what I’m learning.

Its funny – the very thing I do to protect and preserve myself – hiding, closing off, building walls – is the very thing that consumes my energy and wearies my soul. 

One of my favorite verses is in Psalm 103.  Verse four says that “He redeems our lives from the pit”.  Verse five says, “He satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”  I love The Message version of verse five… “He renews your youth – you’re always young in his presence.”

Kids are carefree.  They don’t have a hard time throwing their head back laughing and running barefoot everywhere they go.  They keep their hearts on their sleeves and don’t hide a thing.

So by renewing our youth, making us young always…means we can be like that.  With God, we are free.  Free to dance, free to run, free to cry, free to laugh.

Free to live life with an open posture, relaxed, trusting, and vulnerable.

I caught a line in a song today that made me pause: “Life’s too fast to run my friend.”  

We can’t and shouldn’t live rushing through life, heads down and charging ahead.  Its too fast and too short for that.  I am realizing I want to live life slowly and full of rest, drinking in all that God has for me.  Isn’t that the way we all should live?